Mom

That's what he calls me now...just mom. It started about a week ago, and I have yet to figure out what spurred it on, but it makes me sad. Giving up mama for mommy was difficult, but I thought I'd at least get mommy for a few more years. Isn't this too soon for just plain old "mom"?

Father's Day

I'm so glad my son has a great daddy!

(And I'm pretty lucky to have a great one myself!)

A Poem I like

"The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree's leaves away
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around
The weary wind gave up and spoke.
How can you still be standing Oak?
The oak tree said, I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two
Carry every leaf away
Shake my limbs, and make me sway
But I have roots stretched in the earth
Growing stronger since my birth
You'll never touch them, for you see
They are the deepest part of me
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of just how much I could endure
But now I've found, with thanks to you
I'm stronger than I ever knew."

San Diego

My mom, Truman, and I went to San Diego for five glorious days. None of us had ever been, and we were all pleasantly surprised. It was a wonderful trip. The weather there is amazing -sunny and in the 70's year round -no bugs, very little wind. I could get used to it -EASILY! We went to Sea World, the zoo, La Jolla, and spent a day at the resort playing in the pool and on the beach. I was even able to meet up with a good friend and her son. The boys had a blast together. Now, Tru refers to things around here in San Diego terms "It's San Diego weather today." "That's a San Diego sunset!" It's so sweet.

8 years (and a few days)

Once again, I am behind schedule. James and I celebrated 8 years of marriage on May 10th (also Mother's Day). I haven't been able to update the blog because we were out of electricity for 3 days, without cable and internet for even longer, and then my computer crashed. So here I sit FINALLY on my computer (with new hard drive) to tell you about the past 8 years (and a few days).

James and I agreed to meet at a church in Bartlesville, OK on a Thursday night after work to get married. We had only dated a few months and decided that if we both actually showed up, we would get married. He was responsible for bringing two witnesses with him.

I came home from work, took a short nap, and headed to the church. I realized on the way that I didn't have any film for my camera, so I had to stop at a convenience store to pick some up. This made me late, which in turn, made James nervous that I wasn't showing up!

I'm so glad I showed up! Even though the past eight years have been full of more than any couple should have to endure in a lifetime of marriage, we've made it through, and we are stronger for it. We've lost jobs, pregnancies, and almost our son, but in the end, we've held tightly to each other and all three of us have come out survivors! We've gained a son, a lot of insight, faith, and a few pounds in 8 years. May the blessings keep coming!

If you read this James, I love you, and I'm so glad we "took that ride into town".

Water Balloons

The Easter bunny brought Tru a package of water balloons. Now he wants to fill them and throw them ALL the time. The only part of this that's a problem is that he can't fill them himself. So, guess who this duty falls upon -that's right -ME! I've broken several fingernails trying to tie those things (couldn't they make it a little easier?), but the smile on his face makes it worth it. Here is a picture of him showing Daddy his "prize", and of course, getting ready to throw them!

Easter

Well, once again, Easter was cold, cloudy, and rainy. You would think that God would make sure this special day was glorious -sun shining brighter than ever, flowers blooming, warm temperatures, etc., but no. That never happens -at least not in Kansas and apparently not in Missouri either. So, we did our Easter egg hunt inside. Here are some pics.
The rabbit is Tru's "pet". He has named him (or possibly her -I have no idea) Rabbity.

I'm so behind!

This blog entry will be picture overload! I will try to catch everyone up on what we've been doing in April.

First we visited Discovery Center in Springfield. We have a membership, so Tru and I go frequently, but this was the first visit where Daddy went with us. I love this place! I love the one of Tru putting on the puppet show for us!

Freeze Please

I just want to say how much I love my little boy. He is so precious right now. I want to freeze him at this age. He wakes up every morning with a huge smile on his face. He crawls in my bed, hugs me, and tells me over and over again, "I love you, Mommy. I love you sooooooooo much!" It makes waking up at the crack of dawn a little more tolerable. I love him sooooooooooo much, too!

The Shack

I FINALLY finished reading this book. It took me FOREVER to get through the middle of the book, but overall, I enjoyed reading it. Many people suggested that I read it after what happened to Tru. I still have a lot of questions for God, but reading this reminded me of my favorite verse.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
The whole book is basically about trusting God which has been a struggle for me for many years now. It's still difficult for me, but I'm trying. That's the best I can do right now.

Ugh! It's back!

The insomnia, that is. I'm really tired of this (pun intended). I just want to be able to sleep!

Easter Parade

Today, the mall had an Easter parade. For some reason (I'm pretty sure it was written somewhere), I thought it was a bike parade. We decorated Tru's bike the best we could. Then when we arrived, there was only one other kid with an actual bike. Everyone brought wagons and strollers which are A LOT easier to decorate than a bike! There were prizes, which we obviously didn't win, and Tru was upset that his bike was "not the greatest". :( Oh well, we will know next year to bring a wagon!
Since I forgot to bring the camera to the parade. Here is a pic taken in our driveway after we got home.

Half Birthdays

About a week ago (I know, I'm falling behind), we celebrated Tru's half birthday. He is now officially 3 1/2. He doesn't forget the half either whenever someone asks him how old he is. I had a cake mix in the pantry, so I told him I would make him a cake. He said he wanted a Blue's Clues cake. Hmmmm....ok. So, I put some blue food coloring in the icing, found some Blue's Clues bath toys, ran them through the dishwasher and stuck them on top of the cake. He was thrilled! Then we went to Schlotsky's with some friends and ate outside since it was so nice. We even sang "Happy Half Birthday to You". Since I forgot to take any pictures of the cake (or the celebration), I will post a couple of my favorite pictures of Tru on his very first half birthday (aka 6 months old).

Look what Tru got!

Truman was invited to a bike riding party, and I realized hmmm...maybe my kid should have a bike by now. So, we went to Wal-mart and bought the cheapest bike they had. I'm not sure his pediatrician would approve of him riding, but considering he can only go a few inches at a time, I think we are safe. I have no idea how to teach someone to ride a bike. This is frustrating for both of us!

My self esteem booster

I'm so glad I still have Tru around -for many reasons, obviously! Last night, I went to check out a new gym. He's three so, of course, he asks me why I'm doing every single thing that I do. When he asks why I want to join a gym, I tell him, "So I can be skinnier". Being the wonderful son that he is, he replies, "But Mommy I like you just like you are right now!"
What a little blessing!

Sleep -what a wonderful thing!

I think my happy pills = sleeping pills...which is fine by me! I'm tired all the time now, but I can sleep! It's so exciting. (yawn) I feel soooooooooooo much better. It's amazing what sleep can do for a person (or should I say what lack of sleep can do to a person). I gave up caffeine about 10 years ago -I only have it on rare occasions, but that's changing. I seriously need (and I mean "NEED") a big, Sonic sized pop to make it through the day now.
I have to laugh at the drug commercials that list the plethora of side effects you may experience as a result of such and such a drug. Usually it sounds like the side effects are worse than the problem the person had in the beginning! While I don't like feeling tired during the day, it sure is nice to lay my head on the pillow, and go right to sleep. I'm starting to feel like a normal person again!

Test

This is my test to see if I am clever enough to figure out how to post a picture in a blog entry. So, here it goes....Drum roll please!


Well, if you can see anything above this other than a long IMG code, it is my favorite picture from our trip. Tru was fascinated by this gal. He was so happy to get his picture taken with her. He looks so proud!

Family Vacation

We are getting ready for our family vacation. The house is clean, laundry and dishes done. All that is left is packing. Normally I can pack for a weekend in a very small bag, but when Tru is involved it somehow takes a giant suitcase to make it through one weekend. He loves to pack, so I will wait until tomorrow and let him "help". He is so excited about this trip. This week he asked me how many more weeks until our "famalee vacation" (that's how he says it). When I told him it was only days away, he squealed, "It's so exciting!!" I can't wait to give him a fabulous experience to make up for everything he's been through.

Positive Memories

When I held his hand, and he rubbed my fingernail (this is something he's done for "comfort" since he was little), and I knew he was getting better.

When I was reading Five Little Monkeys to him and in his very weak voice he finished my sentence "jumping on the bed".

When he wanted to eat a banana!

When his blood levels finally went up instead of down.

Watching him play in the playroom on the pediatric floor after we got to leave the PICU.

How much closer our family is now.

Turning things around!

When I took Tru to his therapy appointment last week, the therapist asked me how things were going. I immediately started to tear up and could barely squeak out an "ok". She suggested I make my own appointment (sans Truman), so I did. I went Wednesday and I let it all out, cried for the full hour, but felt a lot better afterward (at least emotionally, my head was killing me from all the crying!). She suggested that each time I have a negative thought, memory, paranoid thought, etc., that I replace it with a positive one or the exact opposite -whichever applies. I have been trying this for a couple of days now,and I feel a lot better about things. So, when I have more time, I am going to make a list of positive memories from this experience (and there are some). I'm also going to try to figure out how to add pictures to my posts and try to make this blog more a celebration of Truman's life rather than the gloom and doom it has kind of turned into. Stay tuned!

Some memories...

Falling to my knees at work after getting that phone call, not being able to breathe and saying "no" over and over again.

Being stuck in that little room at the hospital waiting to hear if my son was alive, brain dead, paralyzed or any combination of the three.

Returning to my home to gather some things for the hospital in Springfield; picking out some movies and books for him, hoping I would get the chance to share them with him, looking at every single item in my home that is connected in some way to Tru and wondering how I could possibly ever step foot in here again if I lost him.

Making that drive to the hospital in Springfield, still in shock, wondering what kind of news we would get when we arrived, knowing I couldn't survive coming home without him.

Seeing my little boy in so much pain, jerking himself awake from the nightmares, only to scream in pain from the sudden movement. Hearing him shout out, "I huuuuuurrrrrtttt!" and not being able to help him.

Having to tell him I could only hold his hand when he would ask repeatedly for me to "hold my whole body, Mommy".

Worrying for days when the doctor said, "surgery could be catastrophic" if his blood levels didn't increase; that word, "catastrophic", still echos in my mind.

Seeing the fear in his eyes every time we had to move him because he was afraid of the pain; feeling the fear in my heart every time I had to move him, afraid I was going to injure him or cause him pain. He would say, "be very careful, Mommy"

Wondering if he would really be able to move his legs when he finally got a chance to walk, or remember all the things he knew before the accident, or if he would ever heal completely.

I could go on and on, but if you've read this far already, I'm sure you get the point.

It continues...

Well, our pediatrician wants us to wait a little longer before Tru plays on a playground, goes to the Flip Shop, etc. So, even though the weather is getting nicer, we will be hanging out inside or maybe going for walks...a little more activity than before, but nothing too physical. Arg!

The things people say...

I've debated about posting this because I didn't want to offend anyone, hurt anyone's feelings, or make anyone afraid to talk to me. (ha ha) But, here I am, unable to sleep once again, possibly PMSing, or just needing to get it out. Whatever the reason, I have decided to post this. After all, I started this blog to help me deal with my emotions.

Whenever there is a tragedy, people try desperately to say the right things. They are well intentioned, sometimes painstakingly thought out comments. However, to a person in a crisis, they often rub him/her the wrong way. Here are some of my personal favorites.

"It could have happened with you there." No, NO, NO! Lots of other things may have happened or may happen yet, but not that! I NEVER let him loose in a parking lot. EVER!
"It was one of those split second things." No, it really wasn't. He was just standing there. In fact, the police report says he was 8 feet behind the van, just standing. He had time to walk 8 feet and just hang out in the parking lot for who knows how long.
"Kids will be kids." What do I say to that? That's why adults have to be adults! He didn't break free from someone's grasp and take off running, (see previous notes).
"You've got to let go and turn him over to God."
What?? No, I don't! I can't be irresponsible and just trust that God will take care of everything. It really irritates me when people think I should just "move on". It's not that easy. When you trust your instincts, and they fail you, it makes it very difficult to ever trust them again.
"What are the odds of something bad happening again." Well, what are the odds that your kid gets run over in the middle of the day in a preschool parking lot? Pretty slim, but it happened to us.

While I may sound unforgiving, I'm really not. But just because I forgive someone, it does not make them blameless. Does that make sense? Heck, I blame myself for this even though I wasn't there!

I read once, "Forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free, and realizing you were the prisoner." I have to forgive. I have no other choice.

Happy Pills

I went to the doctor this week for a routine appointment. I filled out one of those
"Are you depressed?" questionnaires. I was feeling pretty good about myself when I only scored an 8 on a seven question test. Then he told me that "normal" (whatever that means) is 3 or less. Oops. I guess I am depressed. Thanks questionnaire for letting me know. I wasn't surprised by this news, though. I can't seem to shake the funk I've been in since Tru's accident. I still don't sleep well, I can't remember anything, I'm paranoid that bad things are going to happen to our family, and I still find myself crying quite often. Sooooo, now I wait for my happy pills to arrive in the mail. I really hope they are the cure I've been waiting for. I thought time would be my cure, but since it has been 3 months (and the longest 3 months of my life), maybe time needs some happy pills to give it a hand.

Good times, good friends

I got together with my girlfriends this weekend. Laughter truly is the best medicine. For the first time in a long time, I laughed so hard, I cried. It felt really good. I needed that!
Thanks gals!

Thursday, January 15th

There have only been a handful of times in my life when I've cried from being so happy. Thursday was one of them. I took Tru to the doctor in Springfield to hear the results of his ultrasound. The nurse wouldn't tell me anything over the phone which caused me to imagine a thousand horrible scenarios that played over and over in my mind. I tried to be positive, but braced myself for bad news. I was pleasantly surprised. His liver looked great! The doctor said he would release him! He is now allowed to do everything he did before the accident. Tru's reaction was, "I get to go to House of Bounce and Kangaroo Gym now?" I was so happy, I cried. A little perturbed that they made me worry and drive all the way to Springfield just to hear them say that, but I can't complain. In fact, I can't complain about anything. No matter what happens, I know we will be ok as long as we have each other. When I start to complain as I watch my annuities dwindling away or my tooth pops off in the middle of a meal, or I don't get a good night's rest, I have to stop myself. Does it really matter?

I have a feeling those people standing on the wing of an airplane in the Hudson River were thinking the same thing. Thursday, I felt as lucky as they did!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day. It seems like I've been waiting for this day for years rather than months. We will finally have a look at Tru's liver. Of course, I'm sure I won't be able to tell what I'm looking at. I really have no idea how the techs read those things! I guess I'll be looking for a "crack", and hoping I don't see one. We are also hoping we get one of those empathetic techs who will actually tell you what he/she sees. Go ahead, preface it with "I'm not the doctor, but..." I don't care what you say, just tell me!
If you know me at all, you know patience is not one of MY virtues, and I REALLY hate waiting. So, if you're reading this, and you are the praying type, please send one up for us that we will have some answers by tomorrow morning. We are all trying to move on with our lives, and this will be one important step in that process.

Among the Dead

There is a website, www.kidsandcars.org, that's mission is to assure no child dies or is injured in a non-traffic, motor vehicle related event. After Tru's accident, I contacted them to let them know of my new found appreciation for their organization. They asked if I would like to share Truman's story. I said that I would be happy to if they didn't think it would upset parents whose children did not survive. They posted his story on their website. His name is listed among 50 other children under the category "incidents". He is the only survivor. I read every other "incident" on the list, and he is the only one still alive. It makes me realize, even more, how lucky we are.
I don't know why those families had to lose their child,and why we were allowed to keep ours. I just know my heart breaks for those families.