Christmas was so special this year. I can't even begin to imagine facing a Christmas after losing a child, and I thank God that we didn't have to experience that. Instead, our Christmas was filled with more joy than any other in the past. I think each Christmas with Tru gets better and better. He was so excited about it this year. He asked me over and over if it was Christmas Eve yet. It was so cute to listen to him talk about baby Jesus, too. He's really into babies right now, so it was right up his alley to celebrate one being born.
Of course, I have to mention that it was James' birthday as well as Jesus'. When we woke up Christmas morning, I told Tru that it was Christmas. Then I said, "It's also Daddy's birthday. Tru poked James and said, "Did you hear that, Daddy? It's your birthday!" It was precious.
Of course, I think everything he does now is precious. Even when he whines, it doesn't phase me. After coming so close to losing a child, you appreciate everything about him...the good, the bad, even the annoying. I'm sure with time, that appreciation will fade, I'll begin to get irritated, I won't kiss him and hug him a million times each day. But for now, I'll see him in the same light I would have if I had lost him...a perfect angel!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I resigned from my job on Friday. It was a very difficult decision, but after much consideration, I felt like it is what I had to do. I've never thought of myself as a stay-at-home mom type. After Truman was born, James and I agreed that I would not go back to work until Truman was at least old enough to talk so he could tell us if anything was going wrong at daycare. Well, I made it 11 months and had to throw in the towel. I only worked part-time, but at least I felt like a "somebody" for a few hours a day. I had to resign from that job when we moved to Missouri. Once again, I didn't feel like I had "worth" staying home. I was lonely, bored, missed talking to adults -without kids around, missed challenging myself mentally, was jealous of my husband when he left for work every day. So, I signed another contract -this time full-time. I had regrets immediately. I wanted to work, but full-time? I wasn't sure how I could handle it all. Apparently, I couldn't. So, here I am, once again, just a mom. Only this time around, I will cherish it rather than begrudge it. I'm hoping I won't feel the need to explain myself to others -somehow let them know that I once had a career, that I really do have a brain that extends beyond nursery rhymes and coloring, but I'm sure I will. I'm hoping I can find worth in being just a mom and realize that it is the most important job in the world. God has called me to be home with this child. He's made it very clear that my only job right now should be taking care of Tru. I'm obliged to follow that calling and see where it leads.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The accident. That's what I call it. Truman's accident. Time now has a new dimension for us...instead of BC and AD, everything is before "the accident" or after "the accident". Although I know that this was an accident, it seems as if it should have a different name because so many aspects of it could have been easily prevented. It's as if everything had to line up the wrong way that day in order for this to happen. I am so thankful to God for healing my son, but I have to question Him. Why did this have to happen?
Today I took Truman back to the scene of "the accident". I thought it would be good for him to see his friends and his preschool teachers, and to have them see him looking so much better. It made me so sad. Not in the way that you might expect -picturing "the accident", the chaos, my little boy's rescue, etc. While those things definitely went through my mind, what sadden me the most was the fact that Truman doesn't get to go there anymore. He was so happy with his babysitter and her family. Her daughter and Truman were basically like siblings. He had his own room at her house with his name on the door. He loved playing with all the kids at preschool, reading books, learning, making crafts to bring home for the refrigerator. I feel like all of that happiness and peace has been ripped from us. As much as I would like to rewind and live in the BA (before "the accident") era, I'll never be able to do that. Everything has changed. Everything! And that makes me sad...in fact, it makes me angry.