Sleep -what a wonderful thing!

I think my happy pills = sleeping pills...which is fine by me! I'm tired all the time now, but I can sleep! It's so exciting. (yawn) I feel soooooooooooo much better. It's amazing what sleep can do for a person (or should I say what lack of sleep can do to a person). I gave up caffeine about 10 years ago -I only have it on rare occasions, but that's changing. I seriously need (and I mean "NEED") a big, Sonic sized pop to make it through the day now.
I have to laugh at the drug commercials that list the plethora of side effects you may experience as a result of such and such a drug. Usually it sounds like the side effects are worse than the problem the person had in the beginning! While I don't like feeling tired during the day, it sure is nice to lay my head on the pillow, and go right to sleep. I'm starting to feel like a normal person again!

Test

This is my test to see if I am clever enough to figure out how to post a picture in a blog entry. So, here it goes....Drum roll please!


Well, if you can see anything above this other than a long IMG code, it is my favorite picture from our trip. Tru was fascinated by this gal. He was so happy to get his picture taken with her. He looks so proud!

Family Vacation

We are getting ready for our family vacation. The house is clean, laundry and dishes done. All that is left is packing. Normally I can pack for a weekend in a very small bag, but when Tru is involved it somehow takes a giant suitcase to make it through one weekend. He loves to pack, so I will wait until tomorrow and let him "help". He is so excited about this trip. This week he asked me how many more weeks until our "famalee vacation" (that's how he says it). When I told him it was only days away, he squealed, "It's so exciting!!" I can't wait to give him a fabulous experience to make up for everything he's been through.

Positive Memories

When I held his hand, and he rubbed my fingernail (this is something he's done for "comfort" since he was little), and I knew he was getting better.

When I was reading Five Little Monkeys to him and in his very weak voice he finished my sentence "jumping on the bed".

When he wanted to eat a banana!

When his blood levels finally went up instead of down.

Watching him play in the playroom on the pediatric floor after we got to leave the PICU.

How much closer our family is now.

Turning things around!

When I took Tru to his therapy appointment last week, the therapist asked me how things were going. I immediately started to tear up and could barely squeak out an "ok". She suggested I make my own appointment (sans Truman), so I did. I went Wednesday and I let it all out, cried for the full hour, but felt a lot better afterward (at least emotionally, my head was killing me from all the crying!). She suggested that each time I have a negative thought, memory, paranoid thought, etc., that I replace it with a positive one or the exact opposite -whichever applies. I have been trying this for a couple of days now,and I feel a lot better about things. So, when I have more time, I am going to make a list of positive memories from this experience (and there are some). I'm also going to try to figure out how to add pictures to my posts and try to make this blog more a celebration of Truman's life rather than the gloom and doom it has kind of turned into. Stay tuned!

Some memories...

Falling to my knees at work after getting that phone call, not being able to breathe and saying "no" over and over again.

Being stuck in that little room at the hospital waiting to hear if my son was alive, brain dead, paralyzed or any combination of the three.

Returning to my home to gather some things for the hospital in Springfield; picking out some movies and books for him, hoping I would get the chance to share them with him, looking at every single item in my home that is connected in some way to Tru and wondering how I could possibly ever step foot in here again if I lost him.

Making that drive to the hospital in Springfield, still in shock, wondering what kind of news we would get when we arrived, knowing I couldn't survive coming home without him.

Seeing my little boy in so much pain, jerking himself awake from the nightmares, only to scream in pain from the sudden movement. Hearing him shout out, "I huuuuuurrrrrtttt!" and not being able to help him.

Having to tell him I could only hold his hand when he would ask repeatedly for me to "hold my whole body, Mommy".

Worrying for days when the doctor said, "surgery could be catastrophic" if his blood levels didn't increase; that word, "catastrophic", still echos in my mind.

Seeing the fear in his eyes every time we had to move him because he was afraid of the pain; feeling the fear in my heart every time I had to move him, afraid I was going to injure him or cause him pain. He would say, "be very careful, Mommy"

Wondering if he would really be able to move his legs when he finally got a chance to walk, or remember all the things he knew before the accident, or if he would ever heal completely.

I could go on and on, but if you've read this far already, I'm sure you get the point.

It continues...

Well, our pediatrician wants us to wait a little longer before Tru plays on a playground, goes to the Flip Shop, etc. So, even though the weather is getting nicer, we will be hanging out inside or maybe going for walks...a little more activity than before, but nothing too physical. Arg!

The things people say...

I've debated about posting this because I didn't want to offend anyone, hurt anyone's feelings, or make anyone afraid to talk to me. (ha ha) But, here I am, unable to sleep once again, possibly PMSing, or just needing to get it out. Whatever the reason, I have decided to post this. After all, I started this blog to help me deal with my emotions.

Whenever there is a tragedy, people try desperately to say the right things. They are well intentioned, sometimes painstakingly thought out comments. However, to a person in a crisis, they often rub him/her the wrong way. Here are some of my personal favorites.

"It could have happened with you there." No, NO, NO! Lots of other things may have happened or may happen yet, but not that! I NEVER let him loose in a parking lot. EVER!
"It was one of those split second things." No, it really wasn't. He was just standing there. In fact, the police report says he was 8 feet behind the van, just standing. He had time to walk 8 feet and just hang out in the parking lot for who knows how long.
"Kids will be kids." What do I say to that? That's why adults have to be adults! He didn't break free from someone's grasp and take off running, (see previous notes).
"You've got to let go and turn him over to God."
What?? No, I don't! I can't be irresponsible and just trust that God will take care of everything. It really irritates me when people think I should just "move on". It's not that easy. When you trust your instincts, and they fail you, it makes it very difficult to ever trust them again.
"What are the odds of something bad happening again." Well, what are the odds that your kid gets run over in the middle of the day in a preschool parking lot? Pretty slim, but it happened to us.

While I may sound unforgiving, I'm really not. But just because I forgive someone, it does not make them blameless. Does that make sense? Heck, I blame myself for this even though I wasn't there!

I read once, "Forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free, and realizing you were the prisoner." I have to forgive. I have no other choice.