It continues...

Well, our pediatrician wants us to wait a little longer before Tru plays on a playground, goes to the Flip Shop, etc. So, even though the weather is getting nicer, we will be hanging out inside or maybe going for walks...a little more activity than before, but nothing too physical. Arg!

The things people say...

I've debated about posting this because I didn't want to offend anyone, hurt anyone's feelings, or make anyone afraid to talk to me. (ha ha) But, here I am, unable to sleep once again, possibly PMSing, or just needing to get it out. Whatever the reason, I have decided to post this. After all, I started this blog to help me deal with my emotions.

Whenever there is a tragedy, people try desperately to say the right things. They are well intentioned, sometimes painstakingly thought out comments. However, to a person in a crisis, they often rub him/her the wrong way. Here are some of my personal favorites.

"It could have happened with you there." No, NO, NO! Lots of other things may have happened or may happen yet, but not that! I NEVER let him loose in a parking lot. EVER!
"It was one of those split second things." No, it really wasn't. He was just standing there. In fact, the police report says he was 8 feet behind the van, just standing. He had time to walk 8 feet and just hang out in the parking lot for who knows how long.
"Kids will be kids." What do I say to that? That's why adults have to be adults! He didn't break free from someone's grasp and take off running, (see previous notes).
"You've got to let go and turn him over to God."
What?? No, I don't! I can't be irresponsible and just trust that God will take care of everything. It really irritates me when people think I should just "move on". It's not that easy. When you trust your instincts, and they fail you, it makes it very difficult to ever trust them again.
"What are the odds of something bad happening again." Well, what are the odds that your kid gets run over in the middle of the day in a preschool parking lot? Pretty slim, but it happened to us.

While I may sound unforgiving, I'm really not. But just because I forgive someone, it does not make them blameless. Does that make sense? Heck, I blame myself for this even though I wasn't there!

I read once, "Forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free, and realizing you were the prisoner." I have to forgive. I have no other choice.

Happy Pills

I went to the doctor this week for a routine appointment. I filled out one of those
"Are you depressed?" questionnaires. I was feeling pretty good about myself when I only scored an 8 on a seven question test. Then he told me that "normal" (whatever that means) is 3 or less. Oops. I guess I am depressed. Thanks questionnaire for letting me know. I wasn't surprised by this news, though. I can't seem to shake the funk I've been in since Tru's accident. I still don't sleep well, I can't remember anything, I'm paranoid that bad things are going to happen to our family, and I still find myself crying quite often. Sooooo, now I wait for my happy pills to arrive in the mail. I really hope they are the cure I've been waiting for. I thought time would be my cure, but since it has been 3 months (and the longest 3 months of my life), maybe time needs some happy pills to give it a hand.

Good times, good friends

I got together with my girlfriends this weekend. Laughter truly is the best medicine. For the first time in a long time, I laughed so hard, I cried. It felt really good. I needed that!
Thanks gals!

Thursday, January 15th

There have only been a handful of times in my life when I've cried from being so happy. Thursday was one of them. I took Tru to the doctor in Springfield to hear the results of his ultrasound. The nurse wouldn't tell me anything over the phone which caused me to imagine a thousand horrible scenarios that played over and over in my mind. I tried to be positive, but braced myself for bad news. I was pleasantly surprised. His liver looked great! The doctor said he would release him! He is now allowed to do everything he did before the accident. Tru's reaction was, "I get to go to House of Bounce and Kangaroo Gym now?" I was so happy, I cried. A little perturbed that they made me worry and drive all the way to Springfield just to hear them say that, but I can't complain. In fact, I can't complain about anything. No matter what happens, I know we will be ok as long as we have each other. When I start to complain as I watch my annuities dwindling away or my tooth pops off in the middle of a meal, or I don't get a good night's rest, I have to stop myself. Does it really matter?

I have a feeling those people standing on the wing of an airplane in the Hudson River were thinking the same thing. Thursday, I felt as lucky as they did!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day. It seems like I've been waiting for this day for years rather than months. We will finally have a look at Tru's liver. Of course, I'm sure I won't be able to tell what I'm looking at. I really have no idea how the techs read those things! I guess I'll be looking for a "crack", and hoping I don't see one. We are also hoping we get one of those empathetic techs who will actually tell you what he/she sees. Go ahead, preface it with "I'm not the doctor, but..." I don't care what you say, just tell me!
If you know me at all, you know patience is not one of MY virtues, and I REALLY hate waiting. So, if you're reading this, and you are the praying type, please send one up for us that we will have some answers by tomorrow morning. We are all trying to move on with our lives, and this will be one important step in that process.

Among the Dead

There is a website, www.kidsandcars.org, that's mission is to assure no child dies or is injured in a non-traffic, motor vehicle related event. After Tru's accident, I contacted them to let them know of my new found appreciation for their organization. They asked if I would like to share Truman's story. I said that I would be happy to if they didn't think it would upset parents whose children did not survive. They posted his story on their website. His name is listed among 50 other children under the category "incidents". He is the only survivor. I read every other "incident" on the list, and he is the only one still alive. It makes me realize, even more, how lucky we are.
I don't know why those families had to lose their child,and why we were allowed to keep ours. I just know my heart breaks for those families.