The Oaktree and the Acorn

There Will Come a Day

2010-08-24T07:53:00.001-07:00

The other day I was at the grocery store with Truman. He kept stopping to draw pictures of different things in his journal. An old man came by on his little scooter and commented on how precious Truman's "record keeping" was. I sighed a labored sigh and shot back a remark about how it takes ten times longer to get anything done with him in tow. He just smiled and told me to remember these days when his drawings are hanging in an art museum 20 years from now.

That night, I couldn't stop thinking about his comment and all the cliches that go along with it. Seize the Day, Enjoy the Moment, Be Content, you could fill in a million other similar phrases here. Even though I've heard them all many times before, as a mom I've had trouble living by them lately.

I started to think.....There Will Come A Day.

When I'm tired of reading the same books over and over, I remind myself that some day, he will read on his own, and he won't need me.

When I'm frustrated that he has to be near me every single second, I remind myself that some day he will shut his door in the name of privacy.

When he's pressed up so close against me at nap time that I wake up sweaty and falling off the bed, I remind myself that some day he will be embarrassed to even hug me.

When he wants to go everywhere I go, I remind myself that some day I'll have to remind him to come home and enforce a curfew.

When I'm struggling to get him to eat his dinner, I remind myself that some day, he will eat me out of house an home!

When I'm rushing to get him out the door on time, I remind myself that some day, he will drive himself anywhere he needs to go.

And when I get tired of being needed every second, I remind myself that some day another girl will take my place as the leading lady in his life.

So today I vow, to live for the moment and enjoy my little man to the fullest!

It's been forever...

2010-08-20T21:29:00.001-07:00

It's been forever since I've posted. Mostly because somehow my blog became public to people I never intended to see it.
Anyway, tonight I'm thinking about all we've been through. I decided about a week ago to go ahead and enroll Tru in preschool two mornings a week...two mornings that I won't be there with him. This is HUGE for me. For almost two years he's only been with my mom if I wasn't nearby. I would take him to Awanas, but I'd sit in the foyer. I'd take him to art class, but read a book in the lobby. You get the picture. But on Tuesday, I will drop off my son and leave him in someone else's care and drive away. At least that's the plan. I'm sure he'll be fine. Me, on the other hand? Well, I'm not sure.

Mom

2009-07-25T23:08:00.000-07:00

That's what he calls me now...just mom. It started about a week ago, and I have yet to figure out what spurred it on, but it makes me sad. Giving up mama for mommy was difficult, but I thought I'd at least get mommy for a few more years. Isn't this too soon for just plain old "mom"?

Father's Day

2009-06-21T21:33:00.001-07:00

I'm so glad my son has a great daddy!

(And I'm pretty lucky to have a great one myself!)

A Poem I like

2009-06-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

"The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree's leaves away
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around
The weary wind gave up and spoke.
How can you still be standing Oak?
The oak tree said, I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two
Carry every leaf away
Shake my limbs, and make me sway
But I have roots stretched in the earth
Growing stronger since my birth
You'll never touch them, for you see
They are the deepest part of me
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of just how much I could endure
But now I've found, with thanks to you
I'm stronger than I ever knew."

San Diego

2009-05-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

My mom, Truman, and I went to San Diego for five glorious days. None of us had ever been, and we were all pleasantly surprised. It was a wonderful trip. The weather there is amazing -sunny and in the 70's year round -no bugs, very little wind. I could get used to it -EASILY! We went to Sea World, the zoo, La Jolla, and spent a day at the resort playing in the pool and on the beach. I was even able to meet up with a good friend and her son. The boys had a blast together. Now, Tru refers to things around here in San Diego terms "It's San Diego weather today." "That's a San Diego sunset!" It's so sweet.

8 years (and a few days)

2009-05-16T20:01:00.001-07:00

Once again, I am behind schedule. James and I celebrated 8 years of marriage on May 10th (also Mother's Day). I haven't been able to update the blog because we were out of electricity for 3 days, without cable and internet for even longer, and then my computer crashed. So here I sit FINALLY on my computer (with new hard drive) to tell you about the past 8 years (and a few days).

James and I agreed to meet at a church in Bartlesville, OK on a Thursday night after work to get married. We had only dated a few months and decided that if we both actually showed up, we would get married. He was responsible for bringing two witnesses with him.

I came home from work, took a short nap, and headed to the church. I realized on the way that I didn't have any film for my camera, so I had to stop at a convenience store to pick some up. This made me late, which in turn, made James nervous that I wasn't showing up!

I'm so glad I showed up! Even though the past eight years have been full of more than any couple should have to endure in a lifetime of marriage, we've made it through, and we are stronger for it. We've lost jobs, pregnancies, and almost our son, but in the end, we've held tightly to each other and all three of us have come out survivors! We've gained a son, a lot of insight, faith, and a few pounds in 8 years. May the blessings keep coming!

If you read this James, I love you, and I'm so glad we "took that ride into town".

Water Balloons

2009-04-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

The Easter bunny brought Tru a package of water balloons. Now he wants to fill them and throw them ALL the time. The only part of this that's a problem is that he can't fill them himself. So, guess who this duty falls upon -that's right -ME! I've broken several fingernails trying to tie those things (couldn't they make it a little easier?), but the smile on his face makes it worth it. Here is a picture of him showing Daddy his "prize", and of course, getting ready to throw them!

Easter

2009-04-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well, once again, Easter was cold, cloudy, and rainy. You would think that God would make sure this special day was glorious -sun shining brighter than ever, flowers blooming, warm temperatures, etc., but no. That never happens -at least not in Kansas and apparently not in Missouri either. So, we did our Easter egg hunt inside. Here are some pics.
The rabbit is Tru's "pet". He has named him (or possibly her -I have no idea) Rabbity.

I'm so behind!

2009-04-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

This blog entry will be picture overload! I will try to catch everyone up on what we've been doing in April.

First we visited Discovery Center in Springfield. We have a membership, so Tru and I go frequently, but this was the first visit where Daddy went with us. I love this place! I love the one of Tru putting on the puppet show for us!

Freeze Please

2009-04-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

I just want to say how much I love my little boy. He is so precious right now. I want to freeze him at this age. He wakes up every morning with a huge smile on his face. He crawls in my bed, hugs me, and tells me over and over again, "I love you, Mommy. I love you sooooooooo much!" It makes waking up at the crack of dawn a little more tolerable. I love him sooooooooooo much, too!

The Shack

2009-04-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY finished reading this book. It took me FOREVER to get through the middle of the book, but overall, I enjoyed reading it. Many people suggested that I read it after what happened to Tru. I still have a lot of questions for God, but reading this reminded me of my favorite verse.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
The whole book is basically about trusting God which has been a struggle for me for many years now. It's still difficult for me, but I'm trying. That's the best I can do right now.

Ugh! It's back!

2009-03-31T00:59:00.000-07:00

The insomnia, that is. I'm really tired of this (pun intended). I just want to be able to sleep!

Easter Parade

2009-03-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

Today, the mall had an Easter parade. For some reason (I'm pretty sure it was written somewhere), I thought it was a bike parade. We decorated Tru's bike the best we could. Then when we arrived, there was only one other kid with an actual bike. Everyone brought wagons and strollers which are A LOT easier to decorate than a bike! There were prizes, which we obviously didn't win, and Tru was upset that his bike was "not the greatest". :( Oh well, we will know next year to bring a wagon!
Since I forgot to bring the camera to the parade. Here is a pic taken in our driveway after we got home.

Half Birthdays

2009-03-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

About a week ago (I know, I'm falling behind), we celebrated Tru's half birthday. He is now officially 3 1/2. He doesn't forget the half either whenever someone asks him how old he is. I had a cake mix in the pantry, so I told him I would make him a cake. He said he wanted a Blue's Clues cake. Hmmmm....ok. So, I put some blue food coloring in the icing, found some Blue's Clues bath toys, ran them through the dishwasher and stuck them on top of the cake. He was thrilled! Then we went to Schlotsky's with some friends and ate outside since it was so nice. We even sang "Happy Half Birthday to You". Since I forgot to take any pictures of the cake (or the celebration), I will post a couple of my favorite pictures of Tru on his very first half birthday (aka 6 months old).

Look what Tru got!

2009-03-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

Truman was invited to a bike riding party, and I realized hmmm...maybe my kid should have a bike by now. So, we went to Wal-mart and bought the cheapest bike they had. I'm not sure his pediatrician would approve of him riding, but considering he can only go a few inches at a time, I think we are safe. I have no idea how to teach someone to ride a bike. This is frustrating for both of us!

My self esteem booster

2009-03-03T13:34:00.001-08:00

I'm so glad I still have Tru around -for many reasons, obviously! Last night, I went to check out a new gym. He's three so, of course, he asks me why I'm doing every single thing that I do. When he asks why I want to join a gym, I tell him, "So I can be skinnier". Being the wonderful son that he is, he replies, "But Mommy I like you just like you are right now!"
What a little blessing!

Sleep -what a wonderful thing!

2009-02-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

I think my happy pills = sleeping pills...which is fine by me! I'm tired all the time now, but I can sleep! It's so exciting. (yawn) I feel soooooooooooo much better. It's amazing what sleep can do for a person (or should I say what lack of sleep can do to a person). I gave up caffeine about 10 years ago -I only have it on rare occasions, but that's changing. I seriously need (and I mean "NEED") a big, Sonic sized pop to make it through the day now.
I have to laugh at the drug commercials that list the plethora of side effects you may experience as a result of such and such a drug. Usually it sounds like the side effects are worse than the problem the person had in the beginning! While I don't like feeling tired during the day, it sure is nice to lay my head on the pillow, and go right to sleep. I'm starting to feel like a normal person again!

Test

2009-02-24T21:14:00.001-08:00

This is my test to see if I am clever enough to figure out how to post a picture in a blog entry. So, here it goes....Drum roll please!

Well, if you can see anything above this other than a long IMG code, it is my favorite picture from our trip. Tru was fascinated by this gal. He was so happy to get his picture taken with her. He looks so proud!

Family Vacation

2009-02-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

We are getting ready for our family vacation. The house is clean, laundry and dishes done. All that is left is packing. Normally I can pack for a weekend in a very small bag, but when Tru is involved it somehow takes a giant suitcase to make it through one weekend. He loves to pack, so I will wait until tomorrow and let him "help". He is so excited about this trip. This week he asked me how many more weeks until our "famalee vacation" (that's how he says it). When I told him it was only days away, he squealed, "It's so exciting!!" I can't wait to give him a fabulous experience to make up for everything he's been through.

Positive Memories

2009-02-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

When I held his hand, and he rubbed my fingernail (this is something he's done for "comfort" since he was little), and I knew he was getting better.

When I was reading Five Little Monkeys to him and in his very weak voice he finished my sentence "jumping on the bed".

When he wanted to eat a banana!

When his blood levels finally went up instead of down.

Watching him play in the playroom on the pediatric floor after we got to leave the PICU.

How much closer our family is now.

Turning things around!

2009-02-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

When I took Tru to his therapy appointment last week, the therapist asked me how things were going. I immediately started to tear up and could barely squeak out an "ok". She suggested I make my own appointment (sans Truman), so I did. I went Wednesday and I let it all out, cried for the full hour, but felt a lot better afterward (at least emotionally, my head was killing me from all the crying!). She suggested that each time I have a negative thought, memory, paranoid thought, etc., that I replace it with a positive one or the exact opposite -whichever applies. I have been trying this for a couple of days now,and I feel a lot better about things. So, when I have more time, I am going to make a list of positive memories from this experience (and there are some). I'm also going to try to figure out how to add pictures to my posts and try to make this blog more a celebration of Truman's life rather than the gloom and doom it has kind of turned into. Stay tuned!

Some memories...

2009-02-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

Falling to my knees at work after getting that phone call, not being able to breathe and saying "no" over and over again.

Being stuck in that little room at the hospital waiting to hear if my son was alive, brain dead, paralyzed or any combination of the three.

Returning to my home to gather some things for the hospital in Springfield; picking out some movies and books for him, hoping I would get the chance to share them with him, looking at every single item in my home that is connected in some way to Tru and wondering how I could possibly ever step foot in here again if I lost him.

Making that drive to the hospital in Springfield, still in shock, wondering what kind of news we would get when we arrived, knowing I couldn't survive coming home without him.

Seeing my little boy in so much pain, jerking himself awake from the nightmares, only to scream in pain from the sudden movement. Hearing him shout out, "I huuuuuurrrrrtttt!" and not being able to help him.

Having to tell him I could only hold his hand when he would ask repeatedly for me to "hold my whole body, Mommy".

Worrying for days when the doctor said, "surgery could be catastrophic" if his blood levels didn't increase; that word, "catastrophic", still echos in my mind.

Seeing the fear in his eyes every time we had to move him because he was afraid of the pain; feeling the fear in my heart every time I had to move him, afraid I was going to injure him or cause him pain. He would say, "be very careful, Mommy"

Wondering if he would really be able to move his legs when he finally got a chance to walk, or remember all the things he knew before the accident, or if he would ever heal completely.

I could go on and on, but if you've read this far already, I'm sure you get the point.

It continues...

2009-02-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well, our pediatrician wants us to wait a little longer before Tru plays on a playground, goes to the Flip Shop, etc. So, even though the weather is getting nicer, we will be hanging out inside or maybe going for walks...a little more activity than before, but nothing too physical. Arg!

The things people say...

2009-02-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

I've debated about posting this because I didn't want to offend anyone, hurt anyone's feelings, or make anyone afraid to talk to me. (ha ha) But, here I am, unable to sleep once again, possibly PMSing, or just needing to get it out. Whatever the reason, I have decided to post this. After all, I started this blog to help me deal with my emotions.

Whenever there is a tragedy, people try desperately to say the right things. They are well intentioned, sometimes painstakingly thought out comments. However, to a person in a crisis, they often rub him/her the wrong way. Here are some of my personal favorites.

"It could have happened with you there." No, NO, NO! Lots of other things may have happened or may happen yet, but not that! I NEVER let him loose in a parking lot. EVER!
"It was one of those split second things." No, it really wasn't. He was just standing there. In fact, the police report says he was 8 feet behind the van, just standing. He had time to walk 8 feet and just hang out in the parking lot for who knows how long.
"Kids will be kids." What do I say to that? That's why adults have to be adults! He didn't break free from someone's grasp and take off running, (see previous notes).
"You've got to let go and turn him over to God."
What?? No, I don't! I can't be irresponsible and just trust that God will take care of everything. It really irritates me when people think I should just "move on". It's not that easy. When you trust your instincts, and they fail you, it makes it very difficult to ever trust them again.
"What are the odds of something bad happening again." Well, what are the odds that your kid gets run over in the middle of the day in a preschool parking lot? Pretty slim, but it happened to us.

While I may sound unforgiving, I'm really not. But just because I forgive someone, it does not make them blameless. Does that make sense? Heck, I blame myself for this even though I wasn't there!

I read once, "Forgiveness is like setting a prisoner free, and realizing you were the prisoner." I have to forgive. I have no other choice.

Happy Pills

2009-01-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor this week for a routine appointment. I filled out one of those
"Are you depressed?" questionnaires. I was feeling pretty good about myself when I only scored an 8 on a seven question test. Then he told me that "normal" (whatever that means) is 3 or less. Oops. I guess I am depressed. Thanks questionnaire for letting me know. I wasn't surprised by this news, though. I can't seem to shake the funk I've been in since Tru's accident. I still don't sleep well, I can't remember anything, I'm paranoid that bad things are going to happen to our family, and I still find myself crying quite often. Sooooo, now I wait for my happy pills to arrive in the mail. I really hope they are the cure I've been waiting for. I thought time would be my cure, but since it has been 3 months (and the longest 3 months of my life), maybe time needs some happy pills to give it a hand.

Good times, good friends

2009-01-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

I got together with my girlfriends this weekend. Laughter truly is the best medicine. For the first time in a long time, I laughed so hard, I cried. It felt really good. I needed that!
Thanks gals!

Thursday, January 15th

2009-01-17T12:49:00.000-08:00

There have only been a handful of times in my life when I've cried from being so happy. Thursday was one of them. I took Tru to the doctor in Springfield to hear the results of his ultrasound. The nurse wouldn't tell me anything over the phone which caused me to imagine a thousand horrible scenarios that played over and over in my mind. I tried to be positive, but braced myself for bad news. I was pleasantly surprised. His liver looked great! The doctor said he would release him! He is now allowed to do everything he did before the accident. Tru's reaction was, "I get to go to House of Bounce and Kangaroo Gym now?" I was so happy, I cried. A little perturbed that they made me worry and drive all the way to Springfield just to hear them say that, but I can't complain. In fact, I can't complain about anything. No matter what happens, I know we will be ok as long as we have each other. When I start to complain as I watch my annuities dwindling away or my tooth pops off in the middle of a meal, or I don't get a good night's rest, I have to stop myself. Does it really matter?

I have a feeling those people standing on the wing of an airplane in the Hudson River were thinking the same thing. Thursday, I felt as lucky as they did!

Tomorrow

2009-01-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the big day. It seems like I've been waiting for this day for years rather than months. We will finally have a look at Tru's liver. Of course, I'm sure I won't be able to tell what I'm looking at. I really have no idea how the techs read those things! I guess I'll be looking for a "crack", and hoping I don't see one. We are also hoping we get one of those empathetic techs who will actually tell you what he/she sees. Go ahead, preface it with "I'm not the doctor, but..." I don't care what you say, just tell me!
If you know me at all, you know patience is not one of MY virtues, and I REALLY hate waiting. So, if you're reading this, and you are the praying type, please send one up for us that we will have some answers by tomorrow morning. We are all trying to move on with our lives, and this will be one important step in that process.

Among the Dead

2009-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

There is a website, www.kidsandcars.org, that's mission is to assure no child dies or is injured in a non-traffic, motor vehicle related event. After Tru's accident, I contacted them to let them know of my new found appreciation for their organization. They asked if I would like to share Truman's story. I said that I would be happy to if they didn't think it would upset parents whose children did not survive. They posted his story on their website. His name is listed among 50 other children under the category "incidents". He is the only survivor. I read every other "incident" on the list, and he is the only one still alive. It makes me realize, even more, how lucky we are.
I don't know why those families had to lose their child,and why we were allowed to keep ours. I just know my heart breaks for those families.

Christmas

2008-12-30T19:17:00.000-08:00

Christmas was so special this year. I can't even begin to imagine facing a Christmas after losing a child, and I thank God that we didn't have to experience that. Instead, our Christmas was filled with more joy than any other in the past. I think each Christmas with Tru gets better and better. He was so excited about it this year. He asked me over and over if it was Christmas Eve yet. It was so cute to listen to him talk about baby Jesus, too. He's really into babies right now, so it was right up his alley to celebrate one being born.
Of course, I have to mention that it was James' birthday as well as Jesus'. When we woke up Christmas morning, I told Tru that it was Christmas. Then I said, "It's also Daddy's birthday. Tru poked James and said, "Did you hear that, Daddy? It's your birthday!" It was precious.
Of course, I think everything he does now is precious. Even when he whines, it doesn't phase me. After coming so close to losing a child, you appreciate everything about him...the good, the bad, even the annoying. I'm sure with time, that appreciation will fade, I'll begin to get irritated, I won't kiss him and hug him a million times each day. But for now, I'll see him in the same light I would have if I had lost him...a perfect angel!

2008-12-16T12:37:00.000-08:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I'm a mother...

2008-12-14T12:02:00.000-08:00

I resigned from my job on Friday. It was a very difficult decision, but after much consideration, I felt like it is what I had to do. I've never thought of myself as a stay-at-home mom type. After Truman was born, James and I agreed that I would not go back to work until Truman was at least old enough to talk so he could tell us if anything was going wrong at daycare. Well, I made it 11 months and had to throw in the towel. I only worked part-time, but at least I felt like a "somebody" for a few hours a day. I had to resign from that job when we moved to Missouri. Once again, I didn't feel like I had "worth" staying home. I was lonely, bored, missed talking to adults -without kids around, missed challenging myself mentally, was jealous of my husband when he left for work every day. So, I signed another contract -this time full-time. I had regrets immediately. I wanted to work, but full-time? I wasn't sure how I could handle it all. Apparently, I couldn't. So, here I am, once again, just a mom. Only this time around, I will cherish it rather than begrudge it. I'm hoping I won't feel the need to explain myself to others -somehow let them know that I once had a career, that I really do have a brain that extends beyond nursery rhymes and coloring, but I'm sure I will. I'm hoping I can find worth in being just a mom and realize that it is the most important job in the world. God has called me to be home with this child. He's made it very clear that my only job right now should be taking care of Tru. I'm obliged to follow that calling and see where it leads.

The accident

2008-12-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

The accident. That's what I call it. Truman's accident. Time now has a new dimension for us...instead of BC and AD, everything is before "the accident" or after "the accident". Although I know that this was an accident, it seems as if it should have a different name because so many aspects of it could have been easily prevented. It's as if everything had to line up the wrong way that day in order for this to happen. I am so thankful to God for healing my son, but I have to question Him. Why did this have to happen?

Today I took Truman back to the scene of "the accident". I thought it would be good for him to see his friends and his preschool teachers, and to have them see him looking so much better. It made me so sad. Not in the way that you might expect -picturing "the accident", the chaos, my little boy's rescue, etc. While those things definitely went through my mind, what sadden me the most was the fact that Truman doesn't get to go there anymore. He was so happy with his babysitter and her family. Her daughter and Truman were basically like siblings. He had his own room at her house with his name on the door. He loved playing with all the kids at preschool, reading books, learning, making crafts to bring home for the refrigerator. I feel like all of that happiness and peace has been ripped from us. As much as I would like to rewind and live in the BA (before "the accident") era, I'll never be able to do that. Everything has changed. Everything! And that makes me sad...in fact, it makes me angry.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving. It has new meaning for us this year. In the past, there had been Thanksgivings in my life when I actually had a difficult time finding things to be thankful for. That seems ridiculous to me now.

My mom has always had an attitude of gratitude based on the old adage, "It could always be worse." I never liked that saying. It seemed like a crummy way of being grateful. "I'm glad I'm only 20 pounds overweight instead of 200...I'm glad I'm staying in this nasty hotel instead of sleeping on the streets", etc. etc. In fact, I think there is even an email that circulates every year around this time spreading that same type of message. I prefer to just be thankful.

However, this year, when I look at my son, I can't help but think of that saying. As much as I dislike it, I find myself adopting it as my motto...although I vow it will be for this Thanksgiving only! :)

I'm thankful that I'm struggling to keep my son calm rather than struggling to get him walking.

I'm thankful that he's whiney because it means he can still talk.

I'm thankful he's irritable because it means his brain is comprehending his feelings.

I'm thankful I'm being pushed to the very corner of the bed because it means he can roll around now.

One thing I'm so thankful for this year that has nothing to do with that pessimistic saying is the love and support we have received from all of our friends and family through this difficult time. It has been amazing, and for that I feel blessed...with no strings attached!

Trying to be more positive

2008-11-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

I'm trying very hard to focus on the positive this week and get out of this funk I've been in. Every moment I look at Tru, I wonder how we got so lucky. When the accident first happened, people would tell me how "lucky" or "blessed" we were that he was alive. I didn't feel lucky or blessed at all. I saw my baby in pain with his bottom lip stuck out in a permanent pout. Nothing felt lucky about that.

However, now, today, I feel lucky and definitely blessed. The old Tru is slowly coming back. It's getting harder every day to keep him calm, and I'm seeing more and more of his old personality replacing the angry, scared one with each passing day. I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see his smile, and I count my blessings for the little things -like the fact that he still has all of his teeth in that smile!

Follow up appointment

2008-11-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

We had our follow up appointment yesterday. They took the last stitch out of Tru's chest tube wound and answered a bunch of questions we had. It was pretty uneventful...not even a blood test. His next ultrasound is scheduled for Jan 13th. I asked the doctor if he thought his liver would be healed by then. He said he would be surprised because it was a pretty deep "crack". I am really hoping Tru surprises the doctors once again, and we can all breathe a little easier after the 13th.

I also turned in my FMLA paperwork yesterday. I put Jan 26th as my expected return date. We'll see....

Snuggle Time

2008-11-16T07:47:00.000-08:00

My favorite time with Tru since the accident is bedtime. Before I worried about starting a "bad habit" by falling asleep by his side. In fact, I had worked so hard to slowly ease myself out of his room, first lying by the side of the bed, then by the door, then with my feet in and head out of the door, and finally all the way out of the room. I will have to start that whole process over again, but for now, I'm enjoying the closeness that snuggle time allows. Now I have an excuse, so the guilt is gone. I can just relish the time with my child without judgements.

Last night, he snuggled up close, wrapped his arms around me, and said, "I saved you Mommy!". When I asked him what he saved me from, he told me "monsters". Then he said, "I will always protect you, Mommy." It was a bittersweet moment -a touching sentiment from my only son laced with guilt that I didn't always protect him.

Now for the emotional healing...

2008-11-13T13:14:00.000-08:00

I keep wondering when that will begin. It's been so difficult for all of us. Tru still has nightmares, and wants to fall asleep holding my hand. He says this is so we will "be safe." It breaks my heart. He is whiney and grumpy most of the time now. James went back to work, but calls several times a day to check on us. As for me, well, I can't stop thinking about it. It runs through my head over and over again -tormenting me. I can't escape it...even when I sleep, I dream about it. The sleeping pills aren't even helping anymore. I know I should be overjoyed that my boy is alive, but for some reason, I still feel sad. My sadness is mixed with other emotions, too -anger, guilt, fear. It's overwhelming.

The healing begins...

2008-11-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

We later found out that Truman had been run over by an SUV while standing behind the babysitter's van. A woman actually ran over him with both the front and back tires, stopping on him with her back tire until people yelled at her to pull forward. She had no idea what she had hit. I still can't believe he survived that. He had a fractured collar bone, a collapsed lung, a lacerated liver, a very swollen black eye, and lots of what they call "road rash". He had to have 2 units of blood, but surprisingly no surgeries. We spent four days in the PICU and two more on the pediatric floor. We were sent home less than a week later! I know people prayed for Truman all over the country -even in other countries, but his physical healing continues to amaze me. He still has a wound from the chest tube that needs to heal, and he still can't get up from a lying down position, but he looks amazing.

Where do I begin?

2008-11-13T12:30:00.000-08:00

About two years ago, when we lived in Wichita, I read a horrible story about a three year old who was killed in the drive thru at a McDonald's we frequented. It really shook me up. After that, I told Truman repeatedly to watch for cars, never cross the street without an adult, etc. To the point where he would tell other kids to get out of the street, even when he was as young as 18 months old! We had a "one hand on the car" rule if I was ever getting something out or putting something in the car and couldn't hold his hand. I put a chain lock on my front door and door knob covers on the door to the garage, just to make sure he never left the house without me. Him being hit by a car was my worst nightmare.

That's why on October 31st, 2008, I couldn't even believe it when my husband called me at work to tell me Truman had been hit by a car. I rushed to the emergency room the whole time praying and hoping that he had just been bumped, maybe a broken bone or two, but nothing serious. It's what I wanted so badly to believe. When I arrived, there was woman waiting for me outside of the ER entrance. I told her I was there to see my son, Truman. She said, " I know who you are." This is when my heart sank. She ushered me into a little room where a chaplain was waiting with my husband. I couldn't bear the thought that my boy was not going to be ok. How could God take him away from me after all it took to get him here? We tried for several years, spent thousands on infertility treatments, suffered through several ectopic pregnancies, and finally gave up hope when Truman surprised us all -even the doctors! Now, I was facing the possibility of losing him. I thought this is all I have, this can't really be happening. The next 30 minutes were impossible. I was not allowed to see him. Police, volunteers, witnesses, his babysitter and preschool teacher came in and out of the room. All I wanted to do was see my baby. They told me they were flying him to a hospital in Springfield with a pediatric intensive care unit, but I would not be able to go with him. I finally got to see him a few minutes before he left on the helicopter. His bloody face, swollen eye, a chest tube keeping him alive. He wouldn't squeeze my hand or talk to me. A nurse handed me his little shoes in a bag. I signed some papers, and they took him away.